[identity profile] zaph.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] exclusive_and
Title: Cormac McLaggen and the Angry Inch
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Ginny Weasley/Dean Thomas/Demelza Robins, Harry Potter, Cormac McLaggen
Disclaimer: The usual. Not my characters. J. K. Rowling's characters. Copyrights and all that fun stuff.
Rating: R
Summary: The Gryffindor Chasers have a bit of fun in the Room of Requirement, but are interrupted. (1889 words)
Notes: I am on crack. CRACK, I tell you!

Thanks to [livejournal.com profile] selecasharp for being my ever-faithful beta reader. :)


Harry overheard voices inside the Room of Requirement as he made the door appear in the previously blank wall.

"Are you sure about this, Ginny?"

"Yes, Dean, I'm very sure."

"But what about, you know, us?" he asked.

"What about us?"

"Well, most people would find it a bit... odd, you know — us going out and still inviting someone —"

"That's because you're Muggle-born. We don't worry about it so much. You aren't going to ditch me, after all," Ginny explained patiently.

Dean laughed. "No, I suppose I'm not."

Slightly disappointed to hear that Dean and Ginny's relationship was not in jeopardy, Harry opened the door and found them in a close embrace.

"Oh good, you've found it," Ginny said, pulling slightly away from Dean and turning around.

"Wh— What did you do to it?" Harry asked, staring around the room in surprise.

"Well, isn't this what you thought of when I suggested it?" Ginny asked, trying hard to supress a giggle.

Harry looked around the room. It was unlike he had ever seen the Room before, and having only thought I need to find the secret place Ginny said we should go, he was amazed he'd even found it in the same incarnation she had.

The walls were draped in red and there was a dimly glowing light spread evenly thoughout the room, but no visible source. In the center there was a round bed that looked large enough for at least four people to sleep comfortably.

Harry reminded himself there was likely not going to be any sleeping going on tonight.

The door opened a second time and Demelza Robins, the other Gryffindor Chaser walked in.

"Wait, what's she doing here?" Harry asked.

Ginny laughed. "Oh, Harry, did you think you'd be participating?" She waved her wand and out of nowhere an ordinary Muggle camera appeared at Harry's feet.

Demelza giggled.

"Er, Ginny..." he began, but Dean cut him off.

"Look, mate, I just don't dig blokes. But Ginny — this was her idea, you know, and she's into ... well ..."

"You see, Harry, I figured I liked me well enough, and I'm a girl, so why not another girl?"

Harry suspected this logic was not sound — wouldn't every girl be interested in other girls, then? Or wouldn't he be interested in other boys?

"I don't think it works that way, Ginny," Harry said, as Dean nodded fierce agreement.

"Well, all right then, I just like girls. And boys. You should get off with Hermione. She might —"

"HERMIONE?!" shouted Harry.

"Sure," Ginny continued lightly. "You, Hermione, and that fourth year — Romilda! She loves you, Harry!"

"You're mad. The lot of you. Hermione's my best friend, and Romilda's ... well, Romilda's insane."

"But she's cute!" Ginny insisted. "If you don't want her, maybe I'll invite her along next time, too. I've got two hands and a tongue, you know," she continued with a wink.

Harry was too shocked to say anything, and was glad Dean broke the silence by vaguely changing the subject.

"Anyway, they asked me — Ginny liked the idea of the three Chasers, I think — and I figured it might be fun."

Ginny smiled with a glow in her eyes, stretching her neck and proudly raising her head.

"So I'm supposed to take pictures?!" Harry exclaimed, still trying to block the previous conversation and the shocking revelation that Ginny had what had to be the dirtiest mind in all of Hogwarts. "What are we going to do with them?"

"Harry, I've heard you moan Ginny's name in your sleep —" Ginny's eyes went wide as she looked at Harry — "I'm sure you can find a use for the pictures, if you know what I mean."

Harry kicked Dean, but Ginny continued to smile. Apparently she was flattered to be the subject of Harry's erotic fantasies. Harry was still standing with his mouth open in shock.

"Well, Playwizard won't make us an offer because we're not of age," Demelza began," but, well, Dean, maybe you'd be better to explain this."

"Er, all right. Harry, have you ever heard of something called the Internet?"

"I think Dudley said something about it, but I don't know what it is."

"Well, imagine a place where people can freely access all the information, including pictures, sounds, and videos — er, pictures that move even for Muggles," he added, seeing Ginny's confused expression "— and millions of people can access the same things. That's where we'll be putting these."

"You're going to let Muggles see you.... like that?"

"It'll be entertaining. They'll have no idea we're not Muggles, of course," Demelza told him.

"But there's still the novelty value for them," Dean added.

"Novelty? Are wizards....?" Harry started, but couldn't seem to find the words.

"You're not, are you?" Dean answered knowingly. "No. It's like Demelza said, they'll have no idea." he answered.

"Then where's the novelty?" Harry asked, confused.

Ginny waved her wand an a Quaffle appeared in the room. "Well, we thought we'd first just toss the Quaffle around a bit. You know, get warmed up," she told them.

The others simply stared at her.

"What?" she asked. "Would you rather I just —" she pulled her robes slightly open — "got started?" It seemed her robes were all she was wearing.

Harry gasped and dropped the camera. He started to avert his eyes, but decided that if Ginny didn't have a problem with it, he shouldn't, either, and she was very nice looking. And as long as Ginny was going out with Dean, this was the closest he could get anyway.

He pulled out his wand, muttered "Reparo!" and picked up the camera again, before looking at Ginny confusedly.

"Er, what am I supposed to do now?"

"Just take .... pictures," Ginny gasped as Dean grabbed her hand, pulling her down onto the bed. Demelza, who had, for reasons not known until that very moment, brought her broomstick, flew above the bed and leapt off her broom on top of Dean. A few feet away, Harry nervously held the shutter button of the camera.

Harry watched for a minute as the three of them did to each other as much as they could without disrobing. All he could really see was a tangle of robes and a lot of red hair. He was too transfixed by the scene to even snap the first picture, and before he could bring himself to push the button down, the door to the room flew open again.

"WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?" shouted Cormac McLaggen.

The scene froze. Ginny was lying flat on her back with Dean and Demelza on either size of her, the six of their arms all intertwined, reaching various parts of each others' bodies. Ginny managed to tilt her head up to see McLaggen staring at them.

"You've got it all wrong," he continued. "You can't have Weasley on her back like that — it's totally unconvincing —"

"Excuse me, but I believe I'm the one taking the pictures here?" Harry protested.

"And we're the ones —" Ginny spit out a hair — "actually performing for the camera."

"Performing, right." McLaggen sighed. "Why would you waste perfectly good film on that?" he said, pointing at the bed, where Demelza was now gently nibbling Ginny's left ear.

"Erm, well —" Harry tried to explain, not entirely sure what he was going to explain.

"Look, I'll show you!" he shouted and rushed forwards, pushing Demelza off the bed and assuming her position next to Ginny. Ginny recoiled.

"Hands off my girlfriend, McLaggen!" Dean shouted, now standing up.

McLaggen only laughed and tried to get closer to Ginny, who just pulled further away and finally stood up next to Dean, now completely naked, but obviously unashamed.

"Look, if you want to make lousy pictures, don't let me stop you. I'm trying to help," he told them, forcibly reminding Harry of a certain professor he'd met several years before.

Demelza pushed McLaggen down onto the bed and pointed her wand at him. With a quick wave, his trousers came off, revealing scarlet and gold boxers. Ginny snickered, but Demelza held up her hand, indicating she was not finished.

Dean whispered something to Ginny and she giggled loudly.

Demelza gave her want another flick, and McLaggen's boxers flew onto the floor, and everyone gasped. Dean gave a triumphant smile and pumped his fist. Harry snorted.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT!" shouted McLaggen. "It was that bloody shrinking solution we had to brew in third year. I'd done it right, but Belby's cauldron exploded and forced mine off the table, right into my lap!"

The others laughed.

"Well, I wasn't about to show Madam Pomfrey! What would you have done?"

Ginny twirled her wand menacingly, eyeing McLaggen with interest.

"You wouldn't!"

"Well, there's not much to do is there?" she asked him.

"Look, can I just have my clothes back," he demanded, sounding worried. "I won't tell anyone about your little ... whatever this is, I promise!"

The others snorted with laughter again.

"Yeah, right, I'm sure of that," Ginny scoffed.

"Why would I ever tell anyone you saw me like this? You think I'm proud?"

"There isn't much you're not proud of, is there?" Harry asked.

"Well, Potter, you've found one thing, haven't you?"

"Unfortunately," Harry muttered under his breath. "Erm, Demelza, you can give him back his clothes. I don't think we want to see that any more."

"Not until we've got a picture. For posterity. And the Internet."

"You wouldn't!" screamed a shocked McLaggen. He continued more quietly. "Internet?"

"Never mind. We'll just send it to Fred and George," Ginny said with a giggle. McLaggen's eyes widened even further.

"What am I taking a picture of, again?" Harry asked.

"Nothing!" He crossed his hands in front of him as the others giggled and muttered under their breath.

"Fine, fine," Ginny said, sounding disappointed. "Demelza?"

Demelza, who had already put her robes back on, waved her wand lazily and McLaggen's clothes flew back towards him, and he hastily grabbed them and started to put them on, trying to stand and run all while doing this. He stumbled off the bed, and once dressed, found his way out the door, slamming it closed behind him.

"How did he even know?" Harry demanded.

Ginny shrugged. "I guess he must have heard me talking to Dean about it. I've got to talk to Fred and George about who they sell Extendable Ears to. But maybe this wasn't such a good idea, anyway. I mean, we don't know who else might walk in now."

"Or we've just got to discuss the next arrangement more privately," Demelza suggested.

"Er, right," Harry added, trying not to think about how much he had secretly enjoyed the non-photo shoot, and especially trying not to think about how much more he really would enjoy taking Dean's place in that arrangement. Or how he actually thought Hermione would have been a reasonable replacement for Demelza (though he did find Demelza rather attractive, as well). Or, most importantly, how his dreams that night would surely be filled with visual images of Ginny and Demelza and even his idea of Hermione, though she had not been there.

He sincerely hoped Ron was not secretly studying Legilimency.
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fanfiction by zaph

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